This Is Bullshit + Other Random Tales

December 21. 2013

A few thoughts on this solstice day ~

1.

Have you ever gotten toothpaste in your eye?


It really stings. 

2.

At a holiday cookie exchange there was talk about older parents and people's last words. One woman said her father had a pretty good one upon reading about the death of his baby sister in the obituaries. He read the obit, then said...

this is bullshit. 

The next day he curled up to sleep and died. 

Another final blurt by someone was...

i need sugar! true story












...more on that one later.


3. 

I made Mom this little pack of pear cards. When she died I took them and have carried them around with me ever since. Today I sat quietly, everyone was out! and asked -

Any thoughts for today, Mom? 

After shuffling my pears, this came up.



















Mom's last words to me - i love you madly 

xo b

The Sun To Our Family

Mom loved

a good porch sit
London
books
blueberries
getting her hands in the garden
Christmas
her family
a good cup of coffee
teapots
her church community
Cornwall
scarves
museums
mittens
needlepoint
a comfortable pair of shoes
her friends = just like a comfortable pair of shoes!
Florence
honeydew melon
the color purple
music
reading her meditations to me over a cup of tea
African violets
New York City
theatre
wallpaper
helping people
Toronto
the ocean
a good laugh

forever grateful 

for the love of my mother, 
the Sun to our family.

in loving memory

Dorothy Southam Jackson

July 7, 1926 - December 19, 2001

Let Your Deeper Self

December 16. 2013

If you come to a fork in the road, 

take it. 

- Yogi Berra

...We are beautifully limited creatures, capable of great moments of full living, but we can't have it all or experience it all. We can only, paradoxically, experience all there is by giving ourselves completely and humbly to the small path we are drawn to.

* Center yourself and consider a decision you are facing.

* Breathe slowly, and try each path on once, no more.

* Return to your day and try not to replay your choices. Simply let your deeper self tend to these things for you.

- From The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo


~ A Monday practice...xo b

Snowstorm Erotica

December 14. 2013

*

The girls are working on the annual Gingerbread houses. It's good to have traditions. I was reading this in one of my meditation books. Ritual, traditions help keep us grounded as humans. They are things we can lean into when life feels odd and complicated.


*
          
Everything is changing all the time. 

       

To resist change causes suffering. Going through this fall with Michael in LA, with Jesse and her chemo and surgery, with my feelings of inadequacy over work, and worry over depressed loved ones,...on and on. There has been a softening that has come over me this week especially, seeing Jesse so vulnerable, always my teacher. 

She said, "Mom, I think you're finally coming around to my way of thinking."

"Which is?"

"You can't worry about the small stuff. Letting go of things out of your control is the best way. You seem to be doing better with this."

This while I was emptying out her chest drains.

*

Claire and I were out driving in the snow.
"Funny," I said, "how the weather people are naming snow storms."
"Yea, what's this one, Mom? Snowstorm Erotica?"
        

She's A Fighter

December 10. 2013

Leaving Jesse sleeping in a hospital bed, post-surgery, was really hard. That is an understatement if I ever wrote one. Walking into the dark cold parking lot after a day of waiting and wondering broke me. Claire held me in the car. 

(God! I have great kids.) 

It had been a very long day for everyone. 


Jesse made it through like a champion.

Claire and I were wrung out.

Too much to wrap my mind around, Claire said.

Yup.

This morning I get an email from Jesse with a link to her Pinterest account; a site that has uplifting and inspiring quotes + lots of fun crafty ideas like making celery look appealing. Jess pins me with quotes to nudge me or slap me to wakefulness and the joy of life. 

The other day was:

YOU ARE PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME
KEEP THAT SHIT UP

This morning I woke at five, 

Oh God, how's Jesse? I need to call the hospital.



At 5:23 she sent me a quote for today:

THE BEST IS YET TO COME

Jesse is a fighter, a lover of life.

As you are, dear This Being Alive lovelies.

Writing in the dark, knowing you are out there waking to a new day, drinking your coffee, walking the dog, or snuggling up to someone you love, or even having a good cry, is a comfort. 

We are pretty fucking awesome. 
Let's keep this shit up.

xo b

The Ordinary Things

December 9. 2013

Elizabeth said, "I think all the trees are ugly."

Nobody took the bait. We wandered around the used car lot of Christmas trees, looking for the right one to bring home. 

The air was sharp and cold, head-clearing air. 

Claire and I fell in love with this odd duck. Its sweet awkwardness called to us. We moved on, knowing we could easily spot it again if need be. With that trunk?

Anyway, it was all so easy. I'm not sure why but in the past, Michael and I have argued at the Christmas tree farm, once over the behavior of Chewy, our new dog, and the other times? Maybe out of habit? Weird, I know. Let's get a tree and argue, honey.


But it was just us girls this year and it felt so easy.

How about this one?

I like it
I like it
I like it
Me too.

Jesse's surgery is tomorrow. We won't know until between five and eight pm tonight what time it will be. I've had a steady thrumming in my chest for days, a mother's nervousness over any harm coming to her child. This one is not in my hands. Dammit! 

There is so much out of my hands. how can this be?

I learned this yesterday. Again.

We gotta keep doing 

the ordinary things 

when faced with hard things. 

Especially when faced with hard things. 

Take a ride in the big blue truck.
Get a tree.
Play Christmas music.
Decorate the tree
Make a fire.
Go out in the snow in the dark night.

As Mom used to say, don't be afraid to be happy.

xo b

Ping!

December 8. 2013


I have people in my life who still write cards and letters via snail mail. This is one of the most beautiful ways to connect with someone. 

My husband and I fell in love through letters.

Taking the time to sit and compose thoughts onto paper, rather than an I-phone, this matters. Putting a beautiful stamp and sending it off from the mailbox with the red flag up is as lovely for the sender as the recipient.

My brother, Rob, sends postcards. They're short and to the point. They come into my hand and land on my heart. 

Ping!

Bean,

Cast All Your Votes for Dancing. I know the call of depression still calls to you. I know those habits that can ruin your life still send their invitations. But you are with the Friend now and look so much stronger. You can stay that way and even bloom! Keep squeezing the drops of the Sun from your prayers and your work and music and from your companions beautiful laughter.


Fret not about getting your Christmas cards out. Get a blank postcard or piece of paper and write to someone you love. 

Draw a picture if you can't find the words...

Send a Ping. 

* poem by Hafiz