I Do It Anyway

April 15, 2014

Sunday came and went; the past ten days are a blur. 

I have a vague memory of subbing in a kindergarten class on April 7th, it was an exhausting experience, then I crashed. For days, I've been swept up in coughing + sneezing + occasionally choking 

til my eyes popped out = boing!

I canceled the teeny work gigs I do have. I slept. 

in the middle of the day/

I lost my voice. 

I imagined living in a monastery, 
nodding at people, 
passing bread, 
washing dishes, 
no speaking. 

Speaking feels awkward. Writing, scattered. 

Just today, with rain falling in sheets and taxes due, I feel better. 

I went out to get a library book and dark chocolate chips. Books and chocolate chips are a staple here. I put gas in the car, thirty-three dollars to be exact. Jesse is thirty-two. I always add a year for her, at the very least. This pumping gas thing makes no sense. 

I do it anyway. 

On my travels I saw:

a girl wearing a shirt with trust nobody on the front
a man dressed all in yellow / coat pants boots 
a tree strung with plastic Easter eggs
a houseplant blown over on a front porch
clumps of daffodils everywhere

Over morning tea, I experienced a shiver of weeping after thinking, Claire is fourteen! I may have cried out with my hoarse voice. The two cats and Chewy sighed in their sleep. 

I thought, who would understand this?
then, Kerry would understand. 

Her daughter is three. 














I'll stop here and offer this, arms wide open ~

Mysterious as it is - no matter our pain or excitement, our drama or circumstance - all that we could hope for is here. 

We lack nothing. 

- Mark Nepo

xo b