Arms Wide Open

It's my birthday. And I'm still in bed, at noon. Decadent, I know. But I feel unusually peaceful, so I say bring it on. I've surrounded myself with books, journal, this computer, the phone, a cup of tea, Owen the cat, a box of colorful markers, magazines, tape, and scissors; my grown-up version of preschool.

Outside, I see trees and green and wind.

I've been in bed all morning. It's crazy. No laundry, no sweeping, no worrying. I can't get over how happy this small act of self-care is making me feel. Michael brought me tea. Claire laughed while I tried to write a note for school about picking her up early. It took me three tries. Can you say neurotic? Dad was whistling in the kitchen. I took off from bus stop duty and let Michael take Claire. Hugs all around. I stayed put.

A little after nine, I spoke to Jesse about dropping Elizabeth off at her first day of preschool. Elizabeth was a happy, excited camper. Jesse was in tears.

"I feel like I've spent my time worrying about other things rather than being with her," she said.

"Not true," I said, "But most Moms go through that. It's okay. Be sad, then let go. New things are here. There's a lot of letting go. Damn. Take a deep breathe."

And isn't that the truth? I've spent way too much time worrying about other things. But I've been present too. And I know that this beautiful life is best lived with arms wide open, fearlessly loving, rather than focusing on losing. It's a practice.

Like learning to tend to myself, my one true birthday wish. That, and peace on earth. I don't need new shoes. Nope. But I do need to tend to myself, with deep kindness. And then take it a step further...& allow others, the people who love me just because, to tend to me as well.

The sweet part is this: When I finally leave this birthday bed nest, and I have to... I need to pick Claire up, remember? I get to carry this newborn tender-ness out into the world, as a peace offering to you.

xo b