A dear friend's father was under hospice care last week, then charming, handsome Harold slipped away. That's what people do at the end, slip and slide into the tunnel of light. It's a gentle visual I choose to hold. Loss is such a painful thing but this is where lightness and trust come in. Not lightness as in skipping through a meadow (although that sounds kinda fun), but when I think of lightness - in the face of a dying parent, a brother with cancer, a deep missing - any feeling that tends to ball and chain you down - when I think of lightness it feels like allowing, not resisting.
Think of allowing everything like holding a yellow chick in the palm of your hands,
During my Dad's dying week, part of me was repulsed at his labored breathing, the utter frailness of his body, the scent of death in the room. There was a crowd of feelings hovering around. But so were the chatty hospice people. Hello Sunny! putting on a clean pair of socks for his cold feet.
Curiously, the lighter side of me, the one in wonder, sang songs to Dad.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine let it shine let it shine
One night, Dad was sitting awkwardly on the edge of his bed, holding one knee the way he liked to do, eyes closed. Trust me when I say I so wanted to run, but I stayed. I put my arm around him, sang out Michael Row Your Boat Ashore, (a family favorite) tears washing down my face.
Dad was still dying, my heart was painfully breaking open, and the thing is, I let it.
Because that's where the lightness comes through.
Maybe you're thinking,
Why the hell is this girl writing about her dying Dad on the first day of spring?
Show us some flowers and be nice about it. Get with the seasonal program!!!
Here's what I'm getting at.
We are in a constant state of experiencing so many things, every day.
life death loss joy birth ease struggle love
Vincent Van Gogh said, love many things.
I know this because I have a little notepad that says so.
Hold your heart like that little yellow chick, gently. no squeezing.
Make a list (it's so much fun) of all the
(it'll take more than a little notepad)
Add something about yourself too.
Gosh, I love my quirky little ways...finally
We are here to love.
Happy Spring, lovelies!
I love you.