Monday, March 25, 2019

We All Know That

March 25, 2019

After attending a lovely wedding on Saturday, I know that dancing for three hours straight is better than any anti-depressant/anxiety medication I could pop.  I've popped a few. 

The sea levels in my body rose. 

Dancing + laughing + more than one trip to the photo booth = silly good. 

I can be so damn serious and overly concerned about everyone and everything. The part of me who watches and keeps track of details has her place. She's practical and gets things done. But she's kind of exhausting too. 

Why does she get more time in my day than Dance girl? 

Dance girl brings

less worry
more joy   

The opening line to the classic book, The Road Less Traveled, is "Life is difficult." 

We all know that. 

But there's the other too. 

There's joy, ease, lightness of being. 

We may not shake it at weddings every weekend but can we do the things that need doing and lighten up? Be practical and smile till it hurts? I'm no party animal but for the record, I had 1.5 beers. It was delicious but definitely not the cause of my sea change. It was the dancing. 

So, why aren't we dancing more? 

xo b

Thanks to Kaila and Chris Thatcher for a beautiful day. Blessings! ☀️

Monday, March 18, 2019

Your Personal Roadrunner

March 18, 2019

This morning I'm remembering watching cartoons with my little brother, Peter. Sun streaming in the windows, leafy trees, the sound of Mom in the next room and Wile. E Coyote getting crushed (yet again) while Roadrunner zooms past through the canyons in a flurry of dust? 

It didn't dawn on me until a friend pointed it out that it was Wile E. Coyote himself, who set the traps that got him, again and again. Stars and moons swirling around his head. His obsessive attempts to catch the elusive Road Runner always kicked his ass. In every episode he ended up slamming himself with fast-moving trains, fat boulders 

+ an anchor falling from the sky into the cactus-filled desert?  

Wile E. believed if he got the Road Runner his appetite would be satisfied. Then he'd relax. But I don't think so. I'm thinking he'd still be his anxiety-riddled, contraption-building-self, sweating it out to catch something else. 
Because there's always something else.

Blow a kiss to whatever you're chasing, whatever you keep crushing yourself with.

Wish your personal Roadrunner well, beep beep. 

What do you really want/need today? 

Do that thing.

xo b

Monday, March 11, 2019

Start Climbing

March 11. 2019

So, how's your March Forth-ing going? Did you start off strong, but felt the energy waning as the week progressed? Or are you holding steady? Maybe a little of both? I get it.

I noticed that the answer is in the doing is more a letting go, rather than a powering through - Less gripping the ledge and worrying. More surrender and trusting - not my strong suit

Trust? Let go? 

This Trust thing reminds me of an unusual teacher in-service I participated in years ago. Most teacher in-services involve mind-numbing power points, reviewing rubrics, save me ๐Ÿ˜ณ.

But this one:

1. Took place outside.
2. Involved physical activity.
3. Was fun and challenging and meaningful.

The day's main event was a "ropes course" made up of various activities to build trust + confidence muscles by scaring yourself silly. First, I climbed a telephone pole thirty feet up and walked across a rickety rope bridge to the other side. Right before my ascent, I grabbed the arm of Dave, the very kind leader and said, "You don't understand. I have a lot of anxiety, sometimes panic attacks, I don't think," while Dave gently pointed to the ladder.

"You'll be fine," he said, "start climbing."

Next I stood on a platform above a group of eight people. Their arms were locked together creating a human net. Everyone was laughing and smiling and cheering me on. All I had to do was turn around, fall back into their arms, and they'd catch me. That's it? 

Dave gazed in my eyes and said, "I promise. No one is going to let you fall. Trust."

Maybe it was Dave. He was so believable. Maybe I was sick of my own fear dog always nipping at me. Something said, do it, so I closed my eyes and fell back into the net of arms. My human net (people I didn't even know) easily caught me and lowered my feet to the ground.  My humans clapped, hugged me. I cried. But mostly I was laughing. And I was fine. More than fine. 

I was Brilliantly, alive fine.

๐ŸŒž Such relief that I had loosened my grip enough to do it.

Climb the damn telephone pole, fall off a platform.

It's been over thirty years and I can still pull the sensations up in my mind and body.

I am safe. 
I can do this. 
I have support. 
People are here for me. 
This is fun. 
I did it.

But who among us can be in surrender and trust all the time? Our knees are going to buckle. We can't let go into the arms. We chuckle, make light of our fear, feel embarrassed that we can't fully trust the person, group, situation to catch us. We hold back.

We want assurances. 
We want certainty. 
We doubt ourselves. 

Of course we do that, want that.

We're human scaredy-cats wanting a more spacious life.

Practice trust.
Baby steps, lovelies.
Let's make the trip.
Start climbing.
It's already so much better than we think.

xo b

๐ŸŒ€Thank you, E.L. Doctorow, for this quote about writing, and everything else too.

Writing is like driving at night: you never see further than your headlights, 
but you can make the whole trip that way. - 

Monday, March 4, 2019

March Forth!

        Bird of Paradise by Claire Collins

March 4th, 2019.

It is my cousin's wedding anniversary which I always remember because when I asked, Why March 4th? She said, You know, March Forth! 

So, Happy March Forth!

March Forth, or skip, hop, gently walk, run? Blast Forth? Whatever your personal energy is telling you today. What will you do? For all my circling around (see dog trying to find the right spot to sleep), for all my stalling, and I am a master at the stall, I know the only way is action.

March Forth is an unofficial new year without all the weight of parties and resolutions.

The answer is in the doing.
The answer is in the doing.

Not in the wishing, wondering, waiting although most things, most creations have many beginnings. Much of my writing arises while sweeping, driving, washing dishes, taking a shower. Flashes of insight and ideas show up; titles to a piece, a blog idea, a ten-minute play, the short film I long to make - they come in like kids in a classroom, hands in the air, ooh! ooh! pick me.

Stalling is painful. Driving with one foot on the gas with the other on the brake is hard on the car. It takes a long time, if ever, to get where you're going.

The answer is in the doing.

For me, it's writing this after months (last post - August 4th) of excessive absenteeism. I have so many stories to tell - moving from east coast to west - just the drive across the country is a short story - I've been lost in my big changes - still want to interview everyone I know about change and how they do it because we all know it never ends, this change thing. Being in touch is so much better, not so lonely. Tell me one thing you've been up to, doing, feeling...

This is not about what you should've done, jeez. Talk about killing something before you get a spark going. My personal list of shoulda's would bury me. Enough of that. 

March Forth is today, a hand reaching out, a hug.

What's one thing you want to bring forth in your life today?

What can you March Forth with one small action, tiny baby step, beginning.

start here. 

If, like me, you're a staller because something's not quite ready, not exactly what you want to say or do, you will, like me, go months living with a low grade malaise of in-action, of not living with purpose. Don't even get into purpose. That's a rabbit hole if there ever was one. You, as my friend, Teri, says - You, are the purpose. Search no more. There are no study guides for what we're doing here though most days we walk around thinking we missed something crucial - the boat?

Not doing is a lost-ness, a suppression of your life energy, for me, a veil of depression. The lemons on the tree don't look yellow. Not doing breeds a dullness of spirit. It's a slow-beat down of the self.

We know the enormous satisfaction that comes from simply making the phone call, sending the email, writing a letter, having the conversation, finishing the project. These things don't have to be earth-shattering. Small steps, baby steps, begin, finish.

The answer is in the doing. 

For me, on this March Forth, my doing was to write (imperfectly) and hit publish.

xo b

We Are All in This Together by Michael Collins