Not The End

relax.

     it's not the end of the world.

A Full Human Being

Today we hosted a baby shower for Aubrey, a dear friend to my daughter, Jesse. The day started early; coffee on, quiches in the oven, tie balloons to chairs, pull out Mom's good china, load table down with baked goods. Bagel, anyone?

Jesse did an incredible job pulling this thing off. Her organizational skills are so finely tuned, occasionally I wonder if she's really my kid. But I remember pushing her out, August 2, 1981.

Claire was the scribe, writing down all the gifts and names of the gift-givers.Three whole pages, Mom! She was loopy by the end. Baby showers will do that.

After dinner, Claire confessed to having felt some discomfort being surrounded by so many women at the shower. "It felt like school, she said, "so many people crowding around, talking about stress, husbands, the china." Is that what they talk about in 4th grade? When Michael said, "They were talking about the plight of China?" we cut ourselves off from sucking helium and singing Wizard of Oz songs. We represent the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids...

Earlier in the day, I peeked at this note Claire had written to Aubrey. It struck me as the best advice any new mother-to-be could hope for...

Dear Aubrey,

You are going to be a great Mom! I just know it. And remember, you’re the one passing a full human being through your body so don’t be afraid to relax.

Your friend,

Claire

So Call Me A Flip-Flopper

Okay, so call me a flip-flopper. Yesterday I ended my post with Now, push. But two days before, I wrote that I'd finally decided to stop pushing the damn *boulder up the mountain and let my hands hang freely by my side. Just walking, no pushing.

Today a friend emailed sounding fairly exhausted for a Tuesday. I responded with a quick note and one of my favorite mantras: trust. relax. do not push.

Different days, hours, moments, call for different energies. And as we say in my family, good on you, if you can tune into yourself long enough to figure out what you're needing.

Push, don't push, relax; relax while pushing?

Trust.

Read "In This Moment"

Two By Four-ness

The past couple of days I've felt like a two by four, hard and straight, no bends anywhere. The ear thing hasn't helped. I just about turned to stone when I went to the pharmacy to get ear drops and the price came to $110. I left without the drops. Fortunately, I got a new script for much less ($18), but the pain has been slow in leaving.

Still, people aren't meant to be boards. It's very uncomfortable. Clearly a good cry would've at least eased my two by four-ness. But I was holding tight. Until today, when I turned to the toaster, beloved toaster, to recover the burnt mini-bagel that I had spaced out while letting the cat out. Or was it in? Eyes welling up I thought, throw the damn thing at the wall, but I needed sustenance, so I made a crunchy sandwich instead; turkey with cheese, easy on the mayo.

After my bagel, I headed to Wilkes University to speak to a small group of grad students about writing, & a few other things like, how I'd managed to shave my legs this very day. I must've mentioned that juicy tidbit at least three times. I wasn't thinking. See next paragraph...

I parked my car, still in two by four mode, and entered Breiseth Hall. Near the stairs I happened by the office of Professor Linda M. Paul, PhD, Philosophy. She had various messages taped on her door. One read, I think therefore I'm dangerous. Immediately, my shoulders dropped. I walked up the stairs to room 209, feeling a little better with each step. As I entered the room, there was a sudden loosening in my back. Ah, I thought, finally, I'm letting go. But it wasn't my tight two by four self. It was my bra, suddenly unhooked in the back.

Note to self: Unhook yourself, kid...let it all hang out.