Yesterday's Face

                                   

                                  self portrait


September 1. 2015


Yesterday morning I dropped Claire at the bus stop and pushed on to walk the track at our local university. This was my goal. This is my goal for September. Get up + get moving. Don't get weird because school is starting and Claire's going into tenth grade when most of the time I still imagine her like this:

No! That's me in an alternate dream life in California - riding horses and smiling a lot.

This is the one:

She's smiling a lot too. Maybe being five, instead of almost 16 has something to do with it.

Unlike many Moms who posted their kids first day of school pics on Facebook, I couldn't do it. (and I took a really cool one.) Claire would've been disturbed by my behavior and anyway, I wanted to post my self portrait instead. 

Why?

I was walking by myself at the track, talking myself off the ledge about seasonal affective disorder kicking in too soon, coaching myself about the uncomfortable life as a writer with all its twists and turns and dead end streets when the ROTC crowd thundered past me. One guy shouted, 

Good morning, Ma'am, which was polite and nice to bring me into the group but really I need to wear a sticky note saying, Please don't call me Ma'am. He meant well.

It was on my seventh lap around, I was walking in circles, that I became aware of my face. Obviously there weren't any mirrors around - this is a good thing - and I didn't whip out my phone either. It was an in-my-body moment when I realized that I had the above look on my face.  

(Note: I've decided to devote some of my free time to self-portraiture - stay tuned) 

How would you describe it?

Oh no! 

Fuck, this is not good at all! 

RUN! 

Stop this train I've got to get off?

The thing is, I was having a great time walking. Feeling really good that I was at the track at 7:00 am, walking and moving and breathing, rather than still in bed staring at the ceiling with that face. I know I was worried about my Dad who is in the hospital which is right next to the track - maybe I was vibing that whole thing because hospitals and I don't socialize well. It may have been that. And just the million other things on my mind like how fast kids grow up and change is a constant so you'd better flow with it rather than trying to swim upstream and how we define work in our society in such an outward way which is weird for some of us because we live inward, in the mystery? and so in order to make room for all this I need very wide eyes and a mouth like a big O. 

Maybe.

I did a check-in with my face  while writing this to you. No mirrors, just feeling, and came up with:

go ahead, try the face thing right now.

Today's is way more relaxed than yesterday's face. The hair is par for the course, that just climbed out of my camping tent look. My kids adore that look, I swear. Maybe because I'm writing and have a cup of tea and the dog is staring at me to go out. The house is quiet, the fan, spinning. Maybe because I'm not working in a school this year, choosing sanity + forging ahead with my writing instead. 

maybe. 

I have a plan for today and the hospital to go to (feeling the resistance rise up) but in this moment, the only one any of us have, maybe I'm allowing myself to lean into calm. 

As opposed to, run the fucking house is on fire!  

Part of today's meditation says, Be patient. Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more.

okay. 

xo b

                  Forgive me, Claire. xo

As In Ship Ahoy

August 22, 2015

I've had a full-out beautiful trust me, there's been some weep-fests too summer - 

writing, finishing a thesis, graduating (wow), traveling, then traveling a bit more, visiting family, + now, settling back into home. 

I have a suitcase full of stories to share I will be sharing! 

You are the laboratory and every day is an experiment. 
Go and find what is new and unexpected.

- Joel Elkes

Try this be the laboratory thing. It's very freeing.

love love love

For today, I'm saying saying hello, or Ahoj as they say in Czech ~ 

(like ahoy, as in ship ahoy!) 


... and sharing today's teeny powerful thought from Mom's meditation book. It's a gem which my faith and trust self  knows to be true, while you've got to be kidding self says, um.

I'll party with all of my selves oh so many while breathing in ~

Today I'll be as happy as I want to be. 

xo b

A Sexy Moment

June 7, 2015

In her book, Thinking About Memoir, Abigail Thomas has a chapter called The Habit of Writing. She says, “A lot of writing consists of waiting around for the aquarium to settle so you can see the fish. Walking around muttering seems to hasten the process. Taking public transportation nowhere helps.”

            

I don’t have a fish tank, but I do mutter and wander. Often while driving, stories and memories rush through me. No radio, trees flashing by. I lean precariously on the dashboard with a pen and scrap of paper, stenographer of my life, trying to get them down before everything slips away.

The other day I was at the dentist. It was seven o'clock in the morning. I thought that was too early to get my teeth cleaned. The office had the news going which always gets me stirred up. The magazines had pictures of women in bikinis which stirs me too. Why do I want to see Gwyneth Paltrow in a white bikini with leather straps on the side? Doesn't the water make a mess of that leather? I was getting my teeth cleaned and then had to go to school to be with first graders for the day. That stirred me up too. I'm like a good cup of coffee. I get stirred easily which is one of the reasons why I write. 

After the dentist, I wrote this on a scrap of paper.

Lee is my teeth cleaner.

She said, you have a cool life.
She loves red wine.
Her husband gets her a case of Malbec for Christmas every year.
Lee has three kids. 

That's one if the reasons her husband gets her a case of wine. 

Can you tell which one is me?

Some days I don't want to be in school where kids have to stay in a line and find the text evidence in the passage they just read. Do you know what that means? But it's not all bad. There's always some sweet kid who draws me a picture to take home to put on my fridge. Wouldn't it be great if people did that in the workplace? 

Here Bill, drew you this picture. 

Hey Annette, I drew this picture of us! 
Jean, whaddya think of my dog?

Some days I want to be a famous writer giving readings and throwing my head back in a witty laugh. [That is how they spend their days, right?]

Today I'm happy to be in my backyard with my plants and dog and trees swaying over my head. I had a sexy moment where I fixed my John Deere all by myself (the belt was off the looping thing). I took a victory lap around the yard and mowed some grass. I miss my husband who is in Los Angeles. I miss my father who is losing his bearings slowly and sometimes painfully. I miss my mother, dead for a dozen years. These things come over me and I don't feel so good. But then I fix my lawn mower or talk to a friend on the phone or see a Pileated Woodpecker fly over my head and land on the tree near the wood pile. 

Pileated Woodpeckers remind us to embrace our uniqueness. 

Pigs don't fly and famous writers are just like the rest of us, messy beauty and missing and ______. 

Today I will be happy with dog and trees and birds, plants, and daughters close by.

Happy even with my missing.

Mary Oliver got it right when she wrote:

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.

I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

xo b

Perhaps I Am A Bear

Perhaps I am a bear, 
or some hibernating animal underneath, 
for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me. 

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I love nuts and berries and being buried in blankets, cozy and cave-like. In the book, The Medicine Wheel, Bear is my animal totem, my power animal, my spirit teacher. This is based on my birth month which is September. 

Thanks to the Medicine Wheel calendar, I'm not a Sturgeon. 

(I believe that's October.) 

I am a bear. I even kind of look like one. 

When the black bear walked by our back door I followed it. 
Through the yard, around trees, near the stone wall.
It turned to look at me. 
I said, hey and waved. 
Bear stared at me, then lumbered on.
I felt the connection.

My kids thought I was nuts. Barefoot mom runs after bear. 
Why? Why must you do that?
Because I'm a bear. Get over it.

Owen portraying me as a bear.

It's been a long winter. (Understatement)

Like weary animals, Bostonians are just peeking out of their homes today, right on time for the Spring Equinox and another snow storm? We didn't get Boston kind of snow. We got enough. Enough to keep us home from school, at least once a week for two months. This only reinforced my bear-behavior. 

 books

 bed

 blankets
 wine (not in bed!)

 window to see the world outside

+tea

= Bear cave

I shoveled, went sledding. Got milk. How else would Claire eat her cereal? When there weren't snow days, I did work. Because I work in two schools with young children, I now shout in my sleep -

sneeze into your damn elbow! 

(Home today because somebody didn't sneeze into their elbow. Jaden? Violet? Chris?)

In January, I accidentally joined a cross fit gym. They call it the box. After school I'd go do 80 burpees, throw a medicine ball at the wall, lift 55 lbs in power snatches - okay, it was 35 lbs. 

But what about that name, power snatch?

Between colds (this is my second), sneeze into your elbow, Claire's track schedule ( a totally bogus excuse to get out of burpees), and not being ready to give up my hibernation, I quit the box and bought myself a kettle bell. I've watched the video of how to use it and feel a little more toned already. 

So, life hasn't been complete bear bed rest.

And I've been writing, just not here. Not to say I haven't missed you. I have. You know when you're out of touch for so long, it's embarrassing to say, hey, I'm still here. Because people move on if you sleep too long. 

Hey, I'm still here. Hoping you're still here too.

xo 

b

Exhale The Goldfish

our christmas tree. 2014

Does this happen to you 

where you decide upon opening your eyes, to have a good day, a non-worry day, to practice acceptance and kindness towards yourself and others, especially others, like your partner, or maybe the family dog-

You get up early, make a cup of hot tea, pull out your journal. You even go so far as to roll out the green yoga mat on the rug and sit with eyes open, staring out into the back yard, morning sun drifting over everything. You do some down dogs, a pigeon, and slide back into child's pose and rest your forehead on the ground. 

Breathe - 

That's when you notice the one orange goldfish (as in Pepperidge Farm) swimming in a sea of dust under the television stand. You remember the Strategies for Acceptance podcast you listened to last night and inhale, everything is, exhale, as it should be ~

( you may need to do this multiple times to access your acceptance button)

You exhale the goldfish and go take a shower. So lovely until you step out and notice the puddle of water against the wall, on the outside of the shower. You wipe up water muttering, things are really breaking down around here. Fresh and clean you spot the old cat's litter box which you should've dealt with prior to showering. This brings up the question you've been wrestling with " Is it time to put my old boy to sleep?" since old boy is slowly failing in the bladder department. He's seventeen, for God's sake. You see him curled on the bed, sleeping like an angel cat and say, 

"Not today. I can't do it today."

Anyway, things are going like that and then you stop, just stop, and stand very still. You feel your feet on the ground and the breath in your body and then watch the rattling train of thoughts clattering around in your head go straight off the cliff, one car at a time - 

clatter clatter clatter

like in a cartoon
with Wile E. Coyote, 
stars and moons swirling 
around his head. 

xo b

May We Remember This

Dear Ones,

I've been gone so long! Oh my. I miss you. 

A very busy girl, 

teaching 
writing a book (woo hoo!)
tending to family, Dad, home, snowy driveways,
and myself?


just when it's time for this bear to go into hibernation. 

I shall return with a This Being Alive update, soon.

Offering up my mother's Thanksgiving prayer ~ oh how I miss her.

Thanksgiving Prayer

We come to this table today, 

humble and thankful and glad.

We are thankful first for the great miracle of life, 

for the exaltation of being human, for the capacity to love.

We are thankful for joys both great and simple-

For wonder, dreams and hope;

For the newness of each day;

For laughter and song and a merry heart;

For compassion waiting within to be kindled;

For the forbearance of friends and the smile of a stranger;

For the arching of the earth and trees and heavens and the fruit of all three;

For the wisdom of the old;

For the courage of the young;

For the promise of the child;

For the strength that comes when needed;

For this family united here today.

Of those to whom much is given, much is required.  

May we and our children remember this.

amen

Any Place Will Do

October 6. 2014

You can transform any situation by bombarding it with compassion. 
Make sure you include yourself, and you can always do this. 

- Martha Beck


While leaving to take Claire to the bus stop this morning, Jesse shouted down the stairs. 

Make it a great day! 

Claire in her low-key teenage voice said, Yea, best day of my life, um.

I chimed in, Well, you never know...

Claire said, Mom, I know.

Heading off to high school at 6:45 on a Monday morning is not the best day of your life, even if you're homecoming queen or valedictorian or a cheery member of the cheer squad. Claire's right. Um. Mom, trust me, I know. What struck me is how in our have the best day, live your best life, go go go culture, I can feel like a total slacker if I have just a good day. Or an okay day. If I sink to a low day, the slippery slope of autumnal sadness, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, hell. That really worries me because that's a best day of my life I've screwed up, not taken advantage of, blown. 

That's crazy thinking. You can't blow a day.

The steady drum of anxiety pumping in the air that says, not good enough not good enough is hard to miss. If you're on the sensitive side, you may be walking around wondering why you haven't made the pumpkin walnut muffins this morning before work, (and after your thirty minute yoga practice).  Or checked your 401K portfolio to make sure you're on track for retirement because the commercial asks the question, Are you going to outlive your money? I don't even know how to answer that question. It makes me breathless and light-headed. 

Just for today, lie down for five minutes and breathe into your ordinary, good enough, beautiful, best messy life. I like stretching out in the road in front of my house, when the sun has heated up the concrete. (palms up, open to receive. ah.)

Bed, living room floor, your classroom, office. Or don't lie down. Sit in a chair, on a subway. You can be walking, jogging, food shopping, banking, having dental work ~ 

Any place will do.

bombard yourself with compassion. 

namaste,

xo b