Best Thing I Ever Did 🌀

May 13. 2019

I always wanted to be a Mom.

I didn't necessarily want to be a wife. I mean, that wasn't my driving longing in life. 

But holding my own baby, yes. Watching Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the middle of the day, yes. Because my daughters are eighteen years apart, I was blessed to have two rounds of Fred Rogers and Bert and Ernie. Some days I needed those shows more than my kids.

I had two rounds of running around in rainstorms, telling stories while they soaked in the tub while I sat on the floor drinking wine, trips to the supermarket in butterfly wings, maybe no panties - if you can't beat them, join them? I always wanted my own pair of sparkly wings.

Conversely, I learned that wearing underwear in layers is an option, that all you need is a wagon and an umbrella and maybe some goldfish (the kind you eat) + you've got yourself a home close enough so Mom can see you through the window while you're parked in the driveway. I learned never go anywhere without a Go Bag: a book, snacks, a drink, change of clothes.

Oh, Moms can tell many happy, funny tales. We never tire.

I know too:

Not everyone has kids.
Some people have Moms who die too young.
Some people have Moms who are kind of crazy and not that fun to hang with.
Mothering can be lots of things that have nothing to do with kids.

This whole thing is a wild, wonderful, sometimes really weird crapshoot.

I'm feeling lucky:
My own mother was the sun to our family solar system. ☀️
My daughters are smart, lovely, funny, strong, kind people. Did I say funny?
Jesse + Claire - dearest and most cherished people.














I celebrate my good fortune, every day.

Hands down, best thing I ever did.

xo b

damn the doubts 🌀

May 6. 2019

Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing its attempt.

- William Shakespeare

This gem from Willy S. + the tiny card collection sent by my friend, Pearly, feel good enough to set our sails for the week.

(I wrote a whole other thing but deleted it. The message = simplify.)

What little (or big) thing are you going to attempt this week?

Do it. ☀️

I'm not saying it's easy, but hell-

Damn the doubts.
Don't lose the good.
__________________________________________________________

xo  b

I'm a Volcano

April 29. 2019

My moods have been like swinging monkeys the past few days. Or maybe they're always like this. Like the weather, even in Los Angeles. Today the sky is dark, brooding, but later the sun might come out and hit the last of the lemons on the tree in our little back yard.

Last night I listed the monkey moods + states I'd been swinging in:

calm, peaceful, sobbing on the green chair for five minutes, then walking the dog, inspired, missing people, out of sorts, enjoying the red geraniums, terrible self-doubt, listening to a meditation, grasping for certainty, making a delicious quiche, enjoying a conversation, thinking about a creative project, joy over my younger brother coming to work here for two weeks...

You get it.

My neighbor invited me to cut bouquets from her exploding white rose bushes so I got my kitchen scissors and had at it. While snipping, her three year old daughter ran up to me and said,

I'm a volcano and skipped away.

(You know after the last couple of posts I really just want to be three, five, six again.)

I listened to a podcast where an actor said, "I'm here to share my messes."

The monkeys stopped jumping and chattering for a full minute when I heard that.

I'm a volcano. And so are you. We're a lot of things, all the time, all day long.

I sob, walk the dog, chat with my neighbor, cook a quiche, smell the roses.

Sink. 
Swim. 
Float.

I went to a beloved therapist years ago because I was convinced I was going crazy. I had left a bat-shit marriage at the time and thought for sure it had to be my mind that was cracking. My therapist, who lovingly called me Blanche ( I don't know why but found it endearing) said,

Blanche, you're one of the sanest people I know. 🌀

Monkey-naming, mess-sharing - it's how I stay sane, relatively speaking.

So, get out a notebook.
Sit down with a friend.
Name your monkeys.
Share your messes.

Find your inner volcano, then skip skip skip to my Lou.

xo b

Wherever I Go 🌞

April 15. 2019

Last week a friend shared this snippet of a story about her six year old grandson.

It went like this:

Steven said, "There's one thing you don't know about me."
My friend said, "Oh, what's that?"
Steven said, " I have fun wherever I go."

Whoa! Play around with that this week.

xo b

Maybe That's What Happened 💡

April 8. 2019

Ollie drew this picture with a weird invisible marker.
I said, "What is it?"
Ollie said, "It's a bag with a light bulb inside."

Later that day, we drove by the lake near Ollie's house (and my beloved old home). The lake was covered with large clumps of bright green algae floating near the shore.

"Wow," I said, "I wonder what's going on with the lake."
Ollie said, "Maybe a swamp tornado. Maybe that's what happened."















xo b

DREAM something 🌀

April 1, 2019

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

 W. H. Murray

I'm blissfully back east visiting family and friends. 




And still, it's Monday and one of my commitments is to show up on Mondays and offer thoughts, a nudge, an idea, a good quote, photographs, a little inspiration.

🌀The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. 

So, 
Read the beautiful quote, slowly. 
Dream something. It can be teeny tiny, people.
Commit (to) yourself.
Let Providence move.















xo b



Young Man With A Dream by Michael Collins

We All Know That

March 25, 2019

After attending a lovely wedding on Saturday, I know that dancing for three hours straight is better than any anti-depressant/anxiety medication I could pop.  I've popped a few. 

The sea levels in my body rose. 

Dancing + laughing + more than one trip to the photo booth = silly good. 

I can be so damn serious and overly concerned about everyone and everything. The part of me who watches and keeps track of details has her place. She's practical and gets things done. But she's kind of exhausting too. 

Why does she get more time in my day than Dance girl? 

Dance girl brings

joy

less worry

more joy   

The opening line to the classic book, The Road Less Traveled, is "Life is difficult." 

We all know that. 

But there's the other too. 

There's joy, ease, lightness of being. 

We may not shake it at weddings every weekend but can we do the things that need doing and lighten up? Be practical and smile till it hurts? I'm no party animal but for the record, I had 1.5 beers. It was delicious but definitely not the cause of my sea change. It was the dancing. 

So, why aren't we dancing more? 

xo b

Thanks to Kaila and Chris Thatcher for a beautiful day. Blessings! ☀️