Thursday, August 22, 2013

No Beating Around The Bush

I was driving to pick Claire up from track practice and heard a voice. Write about it, no beating around the bush. 

Depression, anxiety, a feeling of being lost, stranger in a strange land have swept over me the past few weeks. It's like being thrown on the sand by a big wave. Face plant. Blind-sided.  Except the signs were all there. The tiredness, lack of appetite, feeling weird going to the supermarket, wanting to go back to sleep when I open my eyes in the morning, not wanting to write, laying low.

I've had a life-long relationship with sinking. At times the world feels so off-kilter I can't stand to be out in it, yet hiding out doesn't work so well either. 

I emailed a friend confessing to feelings of embarrassment and weakness because of the deep valley I've been wandering in lately. 

Who wants to hear my sad songs, anyway?

[my friend did.]

There are reasons for this sinking and as much as I love making lists, I'll spare you mine. We all have our lists of worries. Some of us dip lower than others. I know this. There's someone in your life who is afraid to tell you how low they are. Or maybe it's you who needs to tell? But please, this piece is not about feeling sorry for me or worried. I'm actually okay, even with depression. That was another voice I heard this morning. You're okay. This is just me telling the truth. Depressed and worried people feel really bad about feeling bad. We shut up and push on but that's the part that really sucks. We need each other.

Ever notice how telling someone

I feel lost.
I feel afraid.
I'm worried these days.

makes you feel better?

I found this poem tucked inside a small journal I carried with me in Ireland. Reading it felt like someone laying a comforting hand on my shoulder. Here's my hand on yours...


We give thanks for places of simplicity and peace
May we find such places in ourselves.

We give thanks for refuge and beauty.
May we find such places in ourselves.

We give thanks for places of acceptance and belonging.
May we find such places in ourselves.

May we begin to mend the outer world
According to the truth of our inner life

-Angeles Arrien

xo b

ps. running in rain storms helps.

1 comment:

  1. Last week it was pouring one day, just pouring! I kept thinking: oh my god, I want to put on my sneakers and run! And I kept working and didn't do it, but I wish I had...the noise, the water, the rush of it all. I'm with you in the rain, Bets. xo