He May Have Been High

March 10. 2014

After sliding shoveling? 

a second spoonful of chunky peanut butter into my mouth see hungry penguin, baby bird?

and watching the dollop drop in slow motion onto the top of my bare foot, then folding over like the good yogi that I am (flexibility comes in handy) to swipe the said blob of chunky peanut butter off my foot with my index finger and into my mouth

hey it didn't hit the floor!

I thought it might be appropriate to step back and reflect on how fucking crazy I've been feeling about this endless winter and the whatever I'm seeking is seeking me mantra 

a part of me wholeheartedly believes this and holds firmly to it while sending out yet another resume, or while subbing in a special ed class where I'm playing tic tac toe with a kid in fifth grade who can't read too well but is really really good at tic tac toe. 

The kid kicked my ass.

My guy, Lao Tzu said,

How can you follow 
the course of your life 
if you do not let it flow? 

Lao may be right, let it flow, or he may have been high. I've read so many meditations, spiritual texts, stories of faith and trust about letting go, letting it flow. I should be speaking in tongues by now. 

You'd tell me if I was, right? 

I've listened to countless cd's while driving in the car, 

cue Eckhart: 

practice presence. accept each moment as if you had chosen it, make it your friend, then your life will be miraculously transformed.

In this present moment, Claire is fast asleep on the sofa. She's been down for the count since Saturday night 

which is why I bailed on my Sunday post yesterday. excuses excuses

Puking, fever, teeth clattering like two wood blocks. The dog is looking out the window, pacing, now circling the rug to hopefully surrender to the fact that we are not going out to play ball. Ice dripping from the gutters. I'm at the round kitchen table with books and tea and laptop. One lampshade is tilted, paintings on the wall a little this way that way. Clock ticks.

My beloved cousin, Heather, sent me this kind response to last week's email full of awkward feelings about my life. 

dear heart, I will offer, with great humbleness, the reminder to be gentle with yourself. In the Shambhala teachings we are invited to put our fearful mind “in the cradle of loving kindness.”  I love this image so much and it helps me to stay with the feelings, whatever they may be.


try this: 

pause
breathe 
feel the gentleness of the breath 
allow big sky spaciousness 
inside and outside of your body mind heart

and if that feels too weird,

hold it all in the cradle of loving kindness.

For today, I will take care of my kid.

I will write, read, maybe play ball with the dog. 

Maybe send out another resume.

I will enjoy my peanut butter, from spoon or foot.

+

trust my path unflinching

what will you do just for today?

namaste.

xo b