Especially Laughing

Dad broke his neck falling out of bed.


That sounds so odd, awful really.


But he is bearing up, as we say. He got up to walk to the bathroom today. Here's to baby steps. The doctors say no surgery, but three long months of wearing a neck collar. My throat constricts just thinking about it; my own fear of being held down, closed in, having things strapped on me, is so immense. 


Forget elevators, I always take the stairs.


Fortunately, Dad is not me. Yes, he's feeling the weight of this event, yet still making all the nurses laugh. I don't think they've ever met someone quite so joyful and charming in the ICU. Most of their patients are in very bad shape. 


Definitely not laughing.


Last night they moved Dad to a transitional trauma unit, and after that; we're not sure. He needs to rehab somewhere besides home; we are looking at our options, trusting that the right door will open.


"If we could untangle the mysteries of life and unravel the energies which run through the world; if we could evaluate correctly the significance of passing events; if we could measure the struggles, dilemmas, and aspirations of mankind, we could find that nothing is born out of time. Everything comes at its appointed time."


- Joseph R. Sizoo


Nonsense, you may be thinking. But I am leaning into this idea of right timing and the way things unfold. Looking back, I see how things have clicked into place and moved me forward. And others too. 


Trust the timing of things.


Grace moves in when we release the rope(s) of our life. The holding tight is born of fear. I get it. I've got more than one rope wrapped around my hands:


children
Dad
marriage
home
work/creative life
The dog?


Maybe if I loosen my grip a little, give myself some slack, I'll feel better, not so tired, softer, even laughing...


especially laughing.


*read Thin Ice

At Our Fingertips

Being alive is our invitation to act in fresh, inventive ways. All it takes is concentrating on our inner vision in combination with external reality. The components for accomplishing any task are at our fingertips, awaiting discovery.


Our burdens are lightened when we understand that all situations are resolvable - no mystery need leave us in the dark for long. Just as surely as we each exist, so exists every element we need to solve any problem or chart any new course. 


- from *Mom's Meditation Book


Does this mean that recruiting a family member to walk the dog in the pouring rain this morning was as close as my fingertips? 


And no, I am not giving Chewy the finger. Pinky promise...


*The Promise of a New Day

Alive In The Mystery

Just off the phone with Claire, who is still adventuring in Montauk with my brother, Rob and her cousin, Reeve. I must admit, these past few days sans child has been a freedom piece for me. And I miss her. But isn't that the way?

It's the yin/yang of life. Yesterday was a kick-ass day in the yard, ranting at trees and passing squirrels. Today I barely moved. Languishing is the word that comes to mind.

An almost full moon is rising over the Gap...

Let go into the mystery.

Let yourself go.

There is no other place to be,

Baby this I know.

You've got to dance and sing

And be alive in the mystery

And be joyous and give thanks

And let yourself go.

~ Van Morrison