Thursday, June 27, 2013

So Much That Day

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary.

And the first thing I said to Michael was -

Don't you need to get going?

It was 6:15. He needed to be picking Jesse up at 6:30 for a morning of bone scans and cat scans to make sure the cancer is not in other places. We are praying for clean. So from my perch, he just wasn't moving fast enough. But no matter what Michael does, he never moves fast enough for me. He is wired way slower, Southern California slow (his home state). He still doesn't know, after fifteen years, what to make of the pace of the Northeast, or me. 

Crazy, maybe?

Michael doesn't go in for name calling.

I on the other hand...

Me = shark swimming through the house.
He = sloth?

It's amazing (and sometimes troubling) how we see the other.

Our beloved other

through our own personal lens of the world, smudged with all the joys + all the wounds from the past, but especially those places that are a finger pressing into tender spot, a sore spot. 

See? You're moving slowly is painful to me. Stop that.

I said, Don't you need to get going? 

What I meant was - 

Come on, come on, our kid has cancer, let's go, get a move on, we'll hug and kiss later, love later, no time for that, happy anniversary, yes yes yes but but but...

As if he wasn't going, as if he was dilly-dallying. 

The true view is he got up and took Jesse with loving care to the hospital for tests. I'm sure they had a good talk on the ride down, maybe a good laugh. In quiet moments he has cried over her, and will do anything within his power to help her. 

And me.
And our whole family.
If he could, he'd make all the bad stuff go away.

He's that kind of man. 

So what's not quite right?

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. 

The day we married was breezy and cool after a long week of sweltering heat. Tiger lilies were fully open, trumpets/ I remember Michael and I walking that morning, holding hands and talking, enjoying the lightness of the air and the joy of the day. 

We both smiled so much that day, our faces hurt.

wherever our attention is, 
that is where we are

love now.

xo b

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