Friday, October 22, 2010

Today's Multiple Choice Question

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night follows day, thou 'canst not then be false to any man."

-William Shakespeare

Shakespeare before dawn? Go figure. But I'm wrestling with strong feelings about this retreat experience. Feeling reactive to how some things were done, and how I might've done them a bit differently; like lightening up the schedule and changing up the way the writers shared their work. Maybe having an open day for an artist's date. There was an awkward crammed feeling for me at times, especially in the evening hours when my own energy wanes and slows down. It was too much, for me. Maybe that's why I feel so spent, so ready to go home. 

In my pre-dawn churning, this came up:

Listen to your self. It is your guide, your true compass. Ask yourself, what do I need in this moment. What do I want to do or say? Then trust the answer that arises. I believe it will not steer you wrong.

My stomach hurts. It feels like I've been dissing my own needs. There's been an underlying fear (on my part) of questioning the structure and the process of this retreat. And the push and pull of don't want to rock the boat, but then I want to tip the mother on its side. I'm not the leader here. Be a good team player. Will you still like me if I speak up? Does speaking up mean I'm being mean? Disrespectful? A pain in the ass?

Here's today's multiple choice question.

I am willing to hear (and use ) my voice... 
a) rarely
c) often
d) always

Like yesterday's post, there's a quality to this that's got the what is she talking about, head tilting thing going on. Maybe I should wait and sit on this. Maybe I should just post a photo of me by my car and with a note, going home. Sweet, maybe, but not the truth. This idea, this practice of trusting myself, heeding my own call, is up. 

So, how would you answer today's multiple choice question? 

How will I?

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you today, my friend. Hope you are finding your voice.